I spent my first week as a momma staying awake. I wouldn’t sleep unless someone was literally holding Grayson and watching him breathe. Luke and I spent that week at my mom’s house and she made a schedule for us. She would go to sleep around 9-10 and sleep until 2-3 and then would hold Grayson and make sure he was breathing, so that I could sleep for a few hours. And then she would go back to sleep.
I had walked through a terrible loss that left deep wounds and this was one of the effects of those wounds. I had never trusted God as deeply as I needed to after becoming a momma, and it was scary.
Then one night my momma said something that rocked my world.
We were talking about trusting God, and how going to sleep at night was a huge leap of faith for me. It required that I let go, acknowledging that I couldn’t control it all. My mom said, “isn’t it remarkable that God creates these perfect little humans and then gives them to us.” He knows that we will mess up, He sees our ugly, sinful hearts and still gives us the privilege of being a parent.
It was the mental shift that I needed, an imperative change in perspective. My babies always have been and always will be God’s. They don’t belong to me, I simply get the pleasure of playing a role in their story. I won’t be enough or be able to do it all because that was never my burden to carry.
Shortly after God revealed these things to me, He showed me Psalms 4:8: In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. It has become my prayer every night when I chose to go to sleep and acknowledge my lack of control, my intended role. I’m not God, just momma.
The intimidating/overwhelming part about trusting God is knowing that sometimes the answer is no. Trusting God doesn’t mean that there will be no pain, no loss, no struggle. It just means that you won’t walk through it alone, you have someone fighting for what is best for you.
Every night, when I chose to go to sleep the only guarantee about tomorrow is that Jesus will walk through it with me. And he has made his presence known in every detail of today.
At 5am with the impressing on my heart that I needed to take Liam’s temperature, even though there were no symptoms.
A pediatrician who answered his phone right away to confirm we needed to go to the ER.
So many sweet ER nurses that were kind, careful, compassionate, and loving when dealing with a nervous momma and her sick baby.
A nurse that agreed that singing Jesus Loves Me through hard moments always, always makes it better.
A pediatrician that walked us through confusing recommendations and explanations.
People taking time out of there busy day to check in on us to make sure we were being well taken care of.
Liam’s nurse being a life long family friend.
A village that was so so willing to step in and offer support.
Grayson was already with my mom and my brother wasn’t working and could take over with Hunter about 2.5 minutes after my shaky voiced asked for help at 5:03 am.
A husband that changed all of his plans and shifted all his “priorities” because we always come first. Without hesititation he spent the day by my side because he knows how desperately I need his strong, calming presence.
And the prayers. Oh, the prayers. From people all over the country.It literally brought tears to my eyes to see the likes and comments from people agreeing to take the time to join is in bringing our sweet baby before The Lord.
As I lay in this hospital bed, getting ready to go to sleep and pray Psalm 4:8 again tonight, I am so grateful for the peace I feel and the assurance that when I wake up tomorrow Jesus will already be there waiting to walk through it with me.
Good night friends, and my you have have sweet God dreams tonight.
*You can read about the rest of our hospital stay here.*