My dad and step-mom were killed in a car accident in October 2008 when they were hit by a drunk driver while on vacation. It was one of the most trans-formative events of my life. I haven’t had the courage to ever write anything about it because it stills hurts. It’s not the sharp, can’t breath kind of hurt anymore. More like the dull, subtle throbbing that is always present but you have learned to life with. But, it’s not just my pain. You see, it is important to note that my dad loved Jesus and lived his life right. So, when he was suddenly gone we knew where he had gone, but he left a huge gap in the lives of a lot of people. So, it’s not just my pain. But, God is always faithful to His promises and He absolutely worked that awful situation for the God of this girl who loves Him. Seeing His presence in the details of enduring that loss brought me to a place of deeper trust than I had experienced before. For the first time, Luke and I were willing to let God control when we would have kids. At the time Luke and I were both working full-time and I was in the full-time nursing program at the local college. And we were living in a one bedroom apartment at the beach. Two months later we had a positive test and our parenting journey had begun. We were beside ourselves with excitement and nervousness for the next nine months. Then, one week before his due date (which happened to be my dad’s birthday) our precious and perfect Grayson was placed in our arms.
The rest of our story is one that has taken a long time to process, but I have seen God use in incredible ways. So, for the first time I am putting it in writing, because my life is not my own. It is His, and I hope that reading this will help others to trust that in our weakness, His strength really is made perfect.
We decided that our journey in trusting God wasn’t going to stop 6 weeks after Grayson was born.
So, it wasn’t really a surprise that when Grayson was 6 months old we had another positive test. We felt a unique combination of excitement and terror. But, when he saw the sweet little heartbeat, we shifted all the way to excitement. One week later I started spotting and two days after that while Luke was away on business our first miscarriage was over.
There were no answers to be had. No explanations could be given. These things happen sometimes, but feel free to try again when you are ready.
Over the next year we had two more miscarriages, each unique situations and each lacking an explanation. We even managed to stump our wonderful OB. She referred us to an infertility specialist. I was on my way to a diagnoses of Secondary Infertility, but both doctors had mercy on us and were willing to not wait any longer.
Everything with the infertility specialist checked out perfectly. A few weeks later we had another positive test. But, this time it was different. After 9 months we had our beautiful baby Hunter.
We have no idea what it looks like going forward. We are still letting God control when we have babies. We are praying that we are blessed with more. We are also praying that we will have the opportunity to adopt. When we first placed control of our family size into Gods hands I thought it meant that we would have more kids than we would know what to do with and that our need for a 15 passenger van would be eminent (hence, the Duggar reference). It never crossed my mind that our journey would involve more loss than life. No real answers or explanations.
But, even through this awful experience, He was faithful to me and His promises again. God brought good out of awful. I learned more about Heaven and having an eternal perspective than I ever thought imaginable. It also brought me to a place of being a better wife and mother, because God wastes nothing. Jesus redeems everything that you are willing to hand over to Him.
So, here we sit 5 years into our journey of trusting God with our babies as a family of four.
Choosing to step out in faith, placing our hope in the plans that God has for us. Not in what we hope for ourselves.